PTSD

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Orange Box
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PTSD

Post by Orange Box »

I’ve tossed and turned all night debating whether to post or not, I’ve waited til the cold light of day to do so, since in my experience I’ve learned that 3am messages are rarely a good idea.

Here goes.

In 2015 I was the victim of a deliberate and violent attack whilst attending a blue light emergency. The detail of the assault isn’t important, the fact that I survived, is.

For 2 years after I engaged in a pattern of self destructive behaviour, experiencing excessive mood swings and aggressive, sometimes violent behaviour to name just two symptoms. Eventually I was made to seek help and was diagnosed with PTSD. it took 18 sessions of psychotherapy, including EMDR, to sort me out, and, by making a few adjustments I’ve been able to live a life of relative calm.

So, why am I spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers?

I’ve noticed that recently my posts are becoming more argumentative and aggression is starting to creep in, and my emotions are losing balance. I’ve deluded myself that this is simply banter and debating my personal opinion. I’m sorry to say it’s more than that. On reflection, I can see negative traits of my PTSD surfacing.

Still, why am I spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers?

My guess is there’s more than a handful of you out there dealing with PTSD, diagnosed or not. Treated or not. If any of my words can help just one person deal with their issues my post is worthwhile. If not, I’ve just made a dick of myself.

Anyway, earlier I mentioned life adjustments. In order to avoid the dark hole of PTSD I need to remove myself from conflict, and this forum has currently become one big area of conflict for me, so the answer is simple - I have to step away before I regret my behaviour.

Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy the interaction with some of you, it’s been fun. With some others, not so much.

So I’ll say goodbye. Oh, by the way, be mindful when calling someone “stupid “, old son. Where I come from that’s considered fighting talk.

So long.
I reserve the right to be wrong
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rab_rant
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Re: PTSD

Post by rab_rant »

I suppose I am the one that called you stupid and for that I unreservedly apologize.

My posts over the weekend I recognize as being decidedly smudge like, and I didn't particularly like writing them, having a crisis of conscience.

Regarding my own situation, since my stroke I myself do not react well to increased levels of stress, sometimes going into uncontrollable shaking which I can't do anything about and have to be held down before it will stop.

So perhaps I need to give it a rest as well, and sorry if anything I have said has contributed to your troubles.

we know so little of each other's lives.

Sent from my Redmi Note 8 Pro using Tapatalk


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1964white
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Re: PTSD

Post by 1964white »

So sorry to hear about your condition & the aggressive circumstances that led to the awful consequences you have suffered.

I, for one, will be sad to see you leave MOT, taking time out away from our forum is probably for the best Orange.

Thank you for your interaction with us all. Swannie will miss you!

Good luck in the future, OB.
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Re: PTSD

Post by Ellandback1 »

Orange Box wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 9:30 am I’ve tossed and turned all night debating whether to post or not, I’ve waited til the cold light of day to do so, since in my experience I’ve learned that 3am messages are rarely a good idea.

Here goes.

In 2015 I was the victim of a deliberate and violent attack whilst attending a blue light emergency. The detail of the assault isn’t important, the fact that I survived, is.

For 2 years after I engaged in a pattern of self destructive behaviour, experiencing excessive mood swings and aggressive, sometimes violent behaviour to name just two symptoms. Eventually I was made to seek help and was diagnosed with PTSD. it took 18 sessions of psychotherapy, including EMDR, to sort me out, and, by making a few adjustments I’ve been able to live a life of relative calm.

So, why am I spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers?

I’ve noticed that recently my posts are becoming more argumentative and aggression is starting to creep in, and my emotions are losing balance. I’ve deluded myself that this is simply banter and debating my personal opinion. I’m sorry to say it’s more than that. On reflection, I can see negative traits of my PTSD surfacing.

Still, why am I spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers?

My guess is there’s more than a handful of you out there dealing with PTSD, diagnosed or not. Treated or not. If any of my words can help just one person deal with their issues my post is worthwhile. If not, I’ve just made a dick of myself.

Anyway, earlier I mentioned life adjustments. In order to avoid the dark hole of PTSD I need to remove myself from conflict, and this forum has currently become one big area of conflict for me, so the answer is simple - I have to step away before I regret my behaviour.

Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy the interaction with some of you, it’s been fun. With some others, not so much.

So I’ll say goodbye. Oh, by the way, be mindful when calling someone “stupid “, old son. Where I come from that’s considered fighting talk.

So long.
I can't say that I understand what you went through in 2015, and even though it's six years now, I can see things are still pretty raw for you. I too was the victim of a vicious assault when I was just 15yo. There was a local gang that used to hand around outside a local convenience store that used to always give me grief as at the time I attended private education.

One day, as I approached the shop, one of them said 'give me your money'. I told him to **** off, and entered the shop without turning around. I bought my sweets, and decided to leave the shop via the back exit and avoid the youths at the front. 7 or 8 of them were waiting for me however. I was punched and kicked so hard that they had to operate on my left kidney.

This was back in 1989. It bothered me for a long time, but time really is a great healer. These guys were, and still are scum in my eyes, but I'm not going to let them bother me now. They're insignificant.

The point I'm making is, you will get over it. You'll have your good days and your bad. I guess the last 24 hours haven't been great for you. Just like opinions on this board, there are no right or wrong answers, and you isolating yourself from an outlet where you can let off steam won't help anyone!
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Re: PTSD

Post by rab_rant »

Deleted my reply that caused you distress.

Sent from my Redmi Note 8 Pro using Tapatalk

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Re: PTSD

Post by mentalcase »

Well done OB for posting your own personal inner thoughts :clap: In my personal line of work (retired now like ) I've been diagnosed as depressive and some form of PTSD, my line of work was very specific and dangerous, I've seen some things most people wouldn't be able to cope with, I've struggled myself a lot of times and often still do.
Alcohol isn't the answer, it's a great friend as an upper, but a real enemy on a downer.
Talking, like you just have is probably the best answer, although I'm my own worst enemy for that, I don't take my own advice, I seem to have developed a mechanism of keeping it all in.
Sometimes it dosen't take much to break out though, last week I was at an old colleagues funeral, the things we've been through together is un-writeable on here, but at the funeral with like-minded folk we all got through.
I am a newbie on here, and joined for a reason I'm a United fan and wanted banter with like-minded fans, even though we don't all agree with certain discussions, we debate it because of the love of our club, the other reason I joined is because it helps with my minds recovery, no-one knows me, nor what I've been through, but simply engaging online without the face to face meetings / chattings has helped me no end.
I'd love you to stay on the forum, your posts have been great, hopefully chatting online will help you through another difficult time in your life.
We are all Leeds, we are one big family :tup:
Keep Fighting
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Re: PTSD

Post by whiteswan »

1964white wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 10:15 am So sorry to hear about your condition & the aggressive circumstances that led to the awful consequences you have suffered.

I, for one, will be sad to see you leave MOT, taking time out away from our forum is probably for the best Orange.

Thank you for your interaction with us all. Swannie will miss you!

Good luck in the future, OB.
Agree with everything you've just said Leon.

Swannie will indeed miss OB..... :cry:
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Re: PTSD

Post by Cjay »

Good luck in the future Orange, hopefully you come back one day :)
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Re: PTSD

Post by DavidH »

I'm speaking generally now. Surely the onus here is not on Orange Box (or anyone for that matter), to remove themselves from an argument because things are becoming heated. It's more that people who they become engaged with, don't become so self-obsessed that they can't see the other person's point of view. We were all so tolerant of each other at the time Covid was ripping through people's lives last year. Wanting to help others less fortunate than ourselves, because we empathised with them. Where has that spirit gone? Politicians from both sides of the Atlantic have been instrumental in promoting a culture of "me first" over the last few years, cheered on by media and in particular, a press wanting to create a "them and us" backdrop to our lives. Can we not just see this for what it is, and agree to disagree. After all, we're all Leeds aren't we?
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Re: PTSD

Post by whiteswan »

:rugby: :rugby: If you're reading this OB I'll be thinking about you when the new RL season starts and Wakey play Cas :rugby: :rugby:
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Re: PTSD

Post by 1964white »

whiteswan wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 1:50 pm :rugby: :rugby: If you're reading this OB I'll be thinking about you when the new RL season starts and Wakey play Cas :rugby: :rugby:
Orange, MJ & your good self Swannie, kept the RL thread going last season in what was a traumatic one.

Some good banter throughout :clap:
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Re: PTSD

Post by whiteswan »

1964white wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 2:27 pm Orange, MJ & your good self Swannie, kept the RL thread going last season in what was a traumatic one.

Some good banter throughout :clap:
It was a great thread 64. Fun poked at each others teams and some excellent reviews and comments. As you say lots of banter. It certainly was a traumatic season though, with all the Covid issues some clubs had to struggle through.
Maybe OB might take a peek at the 2022 Superleague thread when it's up and running....we certainly won't forget our Tigers' supporter :)
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Re: PTSD

Post by White Riot »

Orange Box wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 9:30 am I’ve tossed and turned all night debating whether to post or not, I’ve waited til the cold light of day to do so, since in my experience I’ve learned that 3am messages are rarely a good idea.

Here goes.

In 2015 I was the victim of a deliberate and violent attack whilst attending a blue light emergency. The detail of the assault isn’t important, the fact that I survived, is.

For 2 years after I engaged in a pattern of self destructive behaviour, experiencing excessive mood swings and aggressive, sometimes violent behaviour to name just two symptoms. Eventually I was made to seek help and was diagnosed with PTSD. it took 18 sessions of psychotherapy, including EMDR, to sort me out, and, by making a few adjustments I’ve been able to live a life of relative calm.

So, why am I spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers?

I’ve noticed that recently my posts are becoming more argumentative and aggression is starting to creep in, and my emotions are losing balance. I’ve deluded myself that this is simply banter and debating my personal opinion. I’m sorry to say it’s more than that. On reflection, I can see negative traits of my PTSD surfacing.

Still, why am I spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers?

My guess is there’s more than a handful of you out there dealing with PTSD, diagnosed or not. Treated or not. If any of my words can help just one person deal with their issues my post is worthwhile. If not, I’ve just made a dick of myself.

Anyway, earlier I mentioned life adjustments. In order to avoid the dark hole of PTSD I need to remove myself from conflict, and this forum has currently become one big area of conflict for me, so the answer is simple - I have to step away before I regret my behaviour.

Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy the interaction with some of you, it’s been fun. With some others, not so much.

So I’ll say goodbye. Oh, by the way, be mindful when calling someone “stupid “, old son. Where I come from that’s considered fighting talk.

So long.
Sorry to hear that you're going OB, I've enjoyed the banter with you and will miss you mate.

That's horrible what you've been through mate I hope you have a good support network of family and friends, it's always good to talk things through to get stuff off your chest.

I've had my own ups and downs, but I'm lucky to have a great Mrs to support me, we've stood together through good and bad times.

Blowing off steam oh here is always good and if somebody gets on your nerves just step away and ignore them.

I was in a bad car crash in Canada a few years back, and I'm pretty sure I had PTSD for a while after, but never went to see anyone about it. Pretty scary stuff tbh.

You take care mate, if you ever need a chat just PM me if you don't wanna be on the forum itself.

The forum will be a less funny place without you.
Last edited by White Riot on Sun Oct 24, 2021 6:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: PTSD

Post by White Riot »

mentalcase wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 10:56 am Well done OB for posting your own personal inner thoughts :clap: In my personal line of work (retired now like ) I've been diagnosed as depressive and some form of PTSD, my line of work was very specific and dangerous, I've seen some things most people wouldn't be able to cope with, I've struggled myself a lot of times and often still do.
Alcohol isn't the answer, it's a great friend as an upper, but a real enemy on a downer.
Talking, like you just have is probably the best answer, although I'm my own worst enemy for that, I don't take my own advice, I seem to have developed a mechanism of keeping it all in.
Sometimes it dosen't take much to break out though, last week I was at an old colleagues funeral, the things we've been through together is un-writeable on here, but at the funeral with like-minded folk we all got through.
I am a newbie on here, and joined for a reason I'm a United fan and wanted banter with like-minded fans, even though we don't all agree with certain discussions, we debate it because of the love of our club, the other reason I joined is because it helps with my minds recovery, no-one knows me, nor what I've been through, but simply engaging online without the face to face meetings / chattings has helped me no end.
I'd love you to stay on the forum, your posts have been great, hopefully chatting online will help you through another difficult time in your life.
We are all Leeds, we are one big family :tup:
Great post MC :clap:

We are defo all Leeds, good to stick together. The world can be a cruel, tough place at times mate.
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Re: PTSD

Post by whiteswan »

Some great posts on here from OB's Leeds United family. Well done guys for taking the time to understand what he has, and perhaps is still going through...absolutely no fault of his own, but some scum bag/bags who thought it would be fun to attack a paramedic just trying to do his job. I will miss OB's banter.....will miss him greatly. Hope he still reads the forum....he is still LEEDS!
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Re: PTSD

Post by Norm »

Ditto Swan
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Re: PTSD

Post by whiteswan »

Norm wrote: Wed Oct 27, 2021 6:09 amDitto Swan
Thanks Norm.....
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Re: PTSD

Post by Boo Radley »

Sorry to hear what you’ve been through and your struggles since Orange. I do hope you can re-engage here when you feel up to it. There is always a danger in written “discussions” which doesn’t allow for the visual signals on when to ease off or to see if one has overstepped a mark. The vast majority don’t mean any offence.

I wish you peace and look forward to reading your posts again in the not too distant future.
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